a means of expression

i just need an outlet these days. i used to blog elsewhere more frequently and more openly but since outgrew that space. and started here.

infrequently

and

not openly.

i feel that there are certain professional restrictions that make me reluctant to write what i'm thinking and feeling.

but i'd like to try to express.

i guess sometimes i feel like i'm trying to force a square peg into a round hole, but that i'm oblivious to this fact. i like where i am.

i like my house.

i am grateful for my job and really want to excel.

my department has grown and i'm not quite sure how to deal with this growth. i'm happy and glad for the new people and positions. but in some way, i really find that more and more i need to find time to work with less distractions.

i feel like there's scrutiny, there's a constant search for perfection. it's good to strive, but sometimes we need to learn to accept. not always to strive, but to say hey this is the way things are right now. lets accept it and move forward.

i think about the future. i think about the possibility of going back to school. of finding my way to financial independence and the opportunity to have a bit more control over my schedule. but then i want to think. i don't want to draw conclusions just yet. keep it open ended. see what happens. see how i'm feeling, thinking down the road.

how can i take care of myself and my stresses on a day-to-day basis?

how can i look outward and be generous towards others?

how can i look forward?

where do you find your nourishment? your inspiration?

i want to find that every day.

work wears out

i'm tired of work right now.  restlessly entertaining other options in my mind.  i'm blessed. not only because i have a job, but because i have a good job that i love.  but in this moment, i'd like to be elsewhere.  

subscriptions

i subscribed to zoetrope magazine's all story. didn't i tell you? yep. my first issue will be their spring issue designed by Guillermo Del Toro, himself. gotta love it.

i must admit to being a trial subscriber. i subscribe on a trial basis. a year. a couple of issues here and there. and then once the year is up, if i don't miss perusing said magazine, then well, i don't renew. i'm a non-renewer!!

but zoetrope all-story. i fear i may be susceptible to renewing.

after all, they run stories by Mary Gaitskill. what's not to love about that?

movies as band aids

it's funny. friends used to tell me to "watch a movie" to cheer myself up when feeling down.  sometimes i would scoff at them, thinking, "do they really think that about me?  that i like movies so much that the simple act of viewing a film will help me feel better?"  yes, i like movies alot.  i do believe that they are meant to effect an emotional response.  lately, i feel like i'm out of touch with the film world.  i feel like my friends would be right this time - that yes, watching a movie would cheer me up.

cinevegas is around the bend.  i'm looking forward to it muchly.

is it weird?

is it weird that i watched a mediocre (by critical standards) movie on the weekend and that the film nudged me towards the impulse of leaving my day job?

i can't say that the film made me re-evaluate. if anything it just brought to the surface ideas that were already rampant in my head.

i'm telling myself to stay in this day job and use my goof off time to put my creative ideas into place.

today i've been writing a short film. it's such a simple short that i want to shoot it very soon.

i'm practically ready to get a dv cam and go at it this weekend.

i've found a nugget of young writers on the web. young bloggers. they've made their mark by getting published in small press and ezines and online lit journals.

i'm thinking of starting a film club here in Vegas.
i'm thinking of starting a lit journal/ezine specifically for Vegas locals.
i'm thinking of making a series of short films about a single theme.

i'm thinking i can't be at a desk anymore.
but the damn plus and minus of math and finances is finally starting to balance out.

so the desk is like the X in my monetary algebra equation. i'm strapped to it for now. while my creative spirit wanders to all elsewhere.

there are journeys that i want to take but i feel as if my husband is not interested in embarking with me. i want to make changes. re-alignments if you will. some of them are basic like eating healthy and exercising. others are shifts in my daily life. i'd like to live somewhere i can grow a garden. i'd like to make more effort to do my part in protecting the environment. recycle recycle recycle. use compost. eat less meat. abstain from using plastic bags. enjoy nature. feel what it's like to have a physique in tip top shape. what would it be like to borrow lance armstrong's body for a day?

i want self-sufficiency in my work. i want to live a life that leans more to the ascetic. to appreciate solitude. to linger. to write and edit and create. to travel freely.

how does it work? marriage. how are two people meant to become one? if i pursue what i want, i feel that i will eventually end up leaving him behind. he does not have the same convictions. i feel like he holds me back instead of propelling me forwards.

Reading..Reading...Reading...

I'm reading Salman Rushdie's THE GROUND BENEATH HER FEET. It's a massive volume that keeps me reaching for the dictionary and pinching myself to stay afloat with its elaborate sentence structure.

I haven't ever finished a Rushdie book and I'd like to be able to say that I've read a few of his works...one of these days.

I used to always be cuddled up with a book, but in the last few years I find my attention span too lax. I rather be lazy and sit in front of the cable television...but I KNOW that reading is better for my brain...and oddly enough, better for my soul.

Does that make sense? The act of losing yourself in imagination is good for the soul. It's much better than having someone else's vision thrust upon your brain cells...

Or so I think.
I know I'm missing alot when I'm reading GROUND BENEATH HER FEET. But I also know that I'm able to see the essence of the book, as a tragic love story rooted in mythology. It's a story we can all relate to, no matter what the trappings of history or setting.

Mmmmm. I love that I'm reading again.

In the Beginning

In the beginning there was a blank page waiting for words to fall on it. I intend to make a humble effort to fill the blank spaces with any and all kinds of writing that suit my mood or creative bent.