a means of expression

i just need an outlet these days. i used to blog elsewhere more frequently and more openly but since outgrew that space. and started here.

infrequently

and

not openly.

i feel that there are certain professional restrictions that make me reluctant to write what i'm thinking and feeling.

but i'd like to try to express.

i guess sometimes i feel like i'm trying to force a square peg into a round hole, but that i'm oblivious to this fact. i like where i am.

i like my house.

i am grateful for my job and really want to excel.

my department has grown and i'm not quite sure how to deal with this growth. i'm happy and glad for the new people and positions. but in some way, i really find that more and more i need to find time to work with less distractions.

i feel like there's scrutiny, there's a constant search for perfection. it's good to strive, but sometimes we need to learn to accept. not always to strive, but to say hey this is the way things are right now. lets accept it and move forward.

i think about the future. i think about the possibility of going back to school. of finding my way to financial independence and the opportunity to have a bit more control over my schedule. but then i want to think. i don't want to draw conclusions just yet. keep it open ended. see what happens. see how i'm feeling, thinking down the road.

how can i take care of myself and my stresses on a day-to-day basis?

how can i look outward and be generous towards others?

how can i look forward?

where do you find your nourishment? your inspiration?

i want to find that every day.

work wears out

i'm tired of work right now.  restlessly entertaining other options in my mind.  i'm blessed. not only because i have a job, but because i have a good job that i love.  but in this moment, i'd like to be elsewhere.  

subscriptions

i subscribed to zoetrope magazine's all story. didn't i tell you? yep. my first issue will be their spring issue designed by Guillermo Del Toro, himself. gotta love it.

i must admit to being a trial subscriber. i subscribe on a trial basis. a year. a couple of issues here and there. and then once the year is up, if i don't miss perusing said magazine, then well, i don't renew. i'm a non-renewer!!

but zoetrope all-story. i fear i may be susceptible to renewing.

after all, they run stories by Mary Gaitskill. what's not to love about that?

movies as band aids

it's funny. friends used to tell me to "watch a movie" to cheer myself up when feeling down.  sometimes i would scoff at them, thinking, "do they really think that about me?  that i like movies so much that the simple act of viewing a film will help me feel better?"  yes, i like movies alot.  i do believe that they are meant to effect an emotional response.  lately, i feel like i'm out of touch with the film world.  i feel like my friends would be right this time - that yes, watching a movie would cheer me up.

cinevegas is around the bend.  i'm looking forward to it muchly.